The Loneliness of Being Alone

This post was extracted from my early NetEase blog. NetEase Blog is no longer operating, but looking back, these words are still quite interesting, so I decided to move them over as intact as possible. It is mainly kept as a record; after all, it is from a long time ago, so the quality of the writing, images, and links may all be affected.

This post was originally published on November 3, 2010. I was about 21 years old at the time and was studying in college.

I have been working at the company for exactly one week now. Completely opposite to what I expected before, the workplace is not
a place to show talent, but a cold place that leaves you helpless.

Maybe it is because I have just stepped into the workplace. My first job has made me feel an unprecedented helplessness and
desolation. Only at this moment do I truly understand what desolation means, the kind of desolation that can make a man shed tears. Every morning I get up early, prepare my lunch box, then come to the company, sit
in the office for a whole day, return to where I live at around six in the evening, heat up leftovers or cook some dumplings, eat alone, lie in bed and browse the internet for a while, sleep, and then it is another new day. Day after day,
like an infinite repeating decimal, monotonous and repetitive, cycling on and on.

When I talk with many friends about my work, they always say with envy that the salary is okay and there is also a place
to live, and I only work in the office for 7 hours a day. What a good job. Actually, comfort, high salary, and those things are not what I want. What I want is only someone to chat with after work,
someone to talk heart-to-heart with, someone to tell about the happy and unhappy things that happened today, instead of letting one person's path silently slide through the autumn of this unfamiliar city.

Perhaps there really is a big gap between dreams and reality. Perhaps struggling helplessly alone in an unfamiliar city
is truly not my fate. Perhaps what I need is a kind of family warmth, a place where you can speak your mind, a place where you can share happiness and share sorrow.

These days have truly been desolate, desolate enough to make me cry and break my heart. But during these days, I am truly
grateful for the help from Sister P at the company and for my girlfriend Lulu's constant encouragement. Although they were only small, unintentional acts of help, you let me see sunlight in autumn. With you, I truly am very happy. With
you, I have the courage to keep walking! Thank you!